Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
