You made me cry and you don't even care
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Man, jail baloney is awful.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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