It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
