dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
