i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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