if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine