If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
