On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
