I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
