My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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