He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
