just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
