im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She needs sedatives and a leash
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
