Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
