i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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