I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just want nice things and good sex
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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