I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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