she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
