i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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