tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
