my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
