on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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