also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
