I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
