Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
