Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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