I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Bring me that man meat
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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