Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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