Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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