mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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