Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just high enough for therapy.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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