dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
