Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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