Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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