I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
