she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Boobs speak an international language.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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