the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
