I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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