so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
