I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
