Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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