: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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