I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
