I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
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I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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