i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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