This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
