I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
