My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
