Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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