a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
