I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
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You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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