mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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