Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
