please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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