I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
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i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
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Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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