My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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