I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
