No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Never joke about your clitoris.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
