I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
