the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
