She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
